As the months roll on. . .

I've still not heard from Medical yet, I'm unsure whether the office has even received my Medical Kit yet. I submitted it last Monday, so today has been officially a week since I sent it off. I live in NC and the PC headquarters are only in D.C., so they definitely should have gotten my envelope just two days or at the most, three, after I sent it. I'm trying to be patient.

There's really no reason for me to be impatient, seeing as I'm not even sure when I'm graduating. There's the possibility that I am graduating in the middle of June, but in all honesty, I probably will end up having to take another summer class in July. Not cool, but I've been having a pretty rough semester with life outside school. Although I've been stressing about this school thing for weeks now, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter at all because I'm worried my current counselling will defer me from Peace Corps service. If that happened, I think I would be honestly crushed. That's not to say that the only thing in my life right now is the Peace Corps, but not having the option of going would be devastating.

It seems like a great portion of my life has revolved around the Peace Corps for the past year. Even though I didn't submit my application until this past Thanksgiving (a little over four months ago), I was already Googling every PC-related question imaginable and volunteering/joining clubs months before that. Throughout this entire process, I have tried to be realistic. My grandfather keeps telling me he is certain I am going to get in, and he's almost basically accepted that I *am* in. This is stressful because I feel (and know) it is definitely NOT a sure thing, as my grades or medical might cause a problem. All this time since beginning the application, I have had so much time to consider the pros and cons of joining the Peace Corps, if actually accepted. I guess I am trying to deal with the possibility of rejection but also still entertain those wonderful daydream delusions of receiving an invitation, having a departure date, and going on another adventure.

Since one of my close friends went through the medical process, with a few delays, and decided to not join after all, I have naturally really questioned joining. Two years seems like a long time, and then, it seems like such a short time. I've of course never been away from my friends and family for so long, but I really think I could use something like this in my life at this point. The thought of getting on the plane, landing in another country, and teaching English to kids is seriously a dream. When I was a lot younger, maybe eleven or twelve, and thought about my future, I always saw something like the Peace Corps in my mind, although I had never heard about it, had no real reason for wanting to teach in another country. I get this funny feeling thinking about it, kind of like deja vu. But then there's that part of my mind that thinks, Two years is a really long time to go without a pack of Twizzlers. Or episodes of the Nanny. Or, you know, the people I care about... And two years is a big commitment. I'm currently undergoing my four year college commitment, which has been rather hellish to fulfill.

Do I really want to take on so much responsibility for two years? In all honesty, despite the current semester's shit, I DO want this responsibility. Because this matters to me. I could hardly care less anymore about reading much of anything. I never thought I would see the day when I would think this thought, as books were my life up until I was fifteen, sixteen, but I've found the only way to keep my sanity is to be honest with myself. And honestly, I have become a person who wants to DO things. I hope one day I can reconcile this part of myself with the part of myself that likes to read and learn from books, but I've seen so many people, really great and intelligent people, spend so much time reading and seemingly preparing all this knowledge for *something, someday* but never using it. Maybe I've gathered what I needed to gather at this point in my life, and I am ready to do something useful with it. I suppose this is actually a good position to be at in my life right now, with (hopefully) graduating in a couple of months.

Here I am, writing all of this, and wondering why I am even thinking about NOT doing the Peace Corps, since This is what I want to do keeps flashing through my mind. Like I said before, I am trying to be realistic. I will either be accepted, or not. If I am accepted and leave at the end of the summer, then that's the most exciting thing in my entire life to happen. Ever. Seriously EVERRR. If I am deferred for a couple of months, I will just look for a temporary job in the area and enjoy hanging out with everybody for a few extra months, which will definitely be a good thing. And if I am completely rejected, well, I'll find something else to do overseas and that's that.

What a rambling jumble of thoughts. I guess the Peace Corps has a method to their madness with all this bureaucratic nonsense. You really force yourself to think about why you are applying and what happens if you are or aren't accepted. It's a good thing, though. I am confident that my seeming whim isn't really so spontaneous after all.